Just Pondering

A feeling of deep despair comes over me everytime, I do the same thing over and over. Lately I've found myself so full of anger. Saying words that I had prayed so hard not to say. And the Lord had helped me. Now everytime I'm bumped what's in my heart slops out. It's so awful, and ungodly. I'm letting him down. He's been there for me always. Now when things are rough and tough. I show anger mostly at myself. And a terrrible array of nasty words. I know some of this comes from being around people who are constantly using these words. This is no excuse. How could I who say I love my God say these things. What's wrong with me? Praying eases the guilt. The answers are slow in coming. So than I think God has let me down. Wrong again! I let him down. So I'm pondering why , it's so hard just to get it straight, and rely on him. Cause I want things in my time not his. This is hard to tell and put on paper. To let everyone know, that I have problems. But it's not about me, but him. And I so want to please my God. And be a shining light so others want to know what's different about me. This won't happen until the Lord helps me , so I'll continue to pray,wait for his help. Not many read these but it helps me to put it down in writing. Praise God for his Love.And all knowing ways.