Out of Control Rantings

Well here it is Sunday morning, just arose to find it rained yet another time. It seems all it does lately is rains will it it ever let up. The Big blue is out of it banks and flooding the parks and all low laying areas. And this coming week there is predicted more rain. Is there no end.
I find my self wondering if God thinks this every time I moan and groan about all the petty things that I complain about on a daily basis. Or when things don't go the way I think they should go. Or when some jerk pulls out in front of me when I'm driving. And believe me I've had my share lately.
Is there no end to the amount of suffering I put God through because of my selfishness. Because you know I think it's all about me. Not really but that's the impression I portray when the little things anger me for no reason. Because I allow Satan a huge foothold, and the opportunity for a mere touch of control. The next thing I know my whole life is totally at his mercy, which isn't God's mercy tempered with Love, but tempered with greed and lust and the need for control. Wow! how many times do I keep letting Satan take over, too many cause my quite times are lax, I rush around and tell God later you and I will talk. What do I think this is call waiting. I never get around to getting back online with him. All he asks is that I come and talk with him.
Why then is this so hard. When I'm driving I can spend the whole time talking to God telling him all my desires, and praying for people who need prayer and uplifted. But sitting and opening the word, now that's a whole different story. It's like getting your teeth pulled. I really want to read the word. But you wouldn't believe how many excuses I can come up with. Some you've probably never heard of. But none are good enough. There is no reason not to read the words God so graciously gave me as a guideline to live for him. This my heart knows, but my minds a different story. Sometimes I wonder if the brain is even properly attached to the rest of the body. Good news there is one there it's just hibernating at the wrong times, which means it needs a wake up call.
Those kind of wake up calls usually have to be really big ones, like a kick in the seat of the pants. That way it gets our attention. Did you ever notice that then we run to the God saying sorry God, please help me. Lucky for us he doesn't say well you didn't pay any attention to me so sorry you have to do this on your own. His mercy is beyond comprehension. His compassion is unfailing. Even when we turn from him he never leaves us. He there waiting to take our hand and lead us with love , mercy and compassion. Why does it take a wake call to shock us into reality? I can't answer that one! All I know is everyday with the way the world is going should be a Wake up call to me. If I don't start my day with God, the day is lost, everything just doesn't fit , or work out the way it would if God walked with me all the way. Thanks for listening to the rantings of a terribly rambling on woman. Ya all have a great day filled with the greatest gifts God has in store for you.

What Would Jesus Say to me!!

My child why do you live in fear? Or doubt what I can do? Have I not brought you through the depths of despair. Guarding you when you weren't a believer. I know what it's like to be sad, lonely, not knowing where to turn. Look to me, I'm faithful and just. You are always on my mind. My love for you never falters.
Why than do you fear? You are fearfully and wonderfully made. When you cry, I feel your pain. I know that you are so hard on yourself. Why? You will not do everything perfect, don't expect perfection. I, just want your willing heart, to serve me the best way you know how. I will help you through all things.
Have your eyes not seen the many wonders I've created. The majestic sky, the lowly seas. These should put your mind at ease. If I can do this, what makes you think I can't through the tough times? I know you yearn to know more about me. Feed your hunger, by reading my word. Your quiet times are lacking, you spend many hours on your computer, Am I not worthy of such time spent with me. You will see the difference if each day starts and ends with me. Seek me! Knock and it will be opened.
You have so many gifts I gave to you. Don't be afraid to use them. At times you will fail, but with my help you will prevail. I see your longing heart, that you don't want to hurt or be hurt. My child there will always be hurt in your life on earth. But with my help, you will feel it less. Don't fuel your anger, it's unbecoming. It makes my heart hurt to see you struggle with your short comings. Be faithful, trying to do what it that I ask of you. Continue to grow as you are now. I will lead your life, make it what I want it to be. I have wonderful things in store for you, just obey my call. Never be afraid to ask for things, the ones you need I will provide for you. You are never far from my thoughts. What you don't need I will not supply.
I know you feel like your prayers are lacking. I know what you need just ask. So many times I see your loneliness. And the pain or fear of rejection. I will never leave you!! Now my child have I laid all your fears and doubts, pain to rest. By the way you are forgiven, just because you asked, forgive yourself. I LOVE YOU!!!!!

All Stressed ,Fearful, Worried Why?

Me stressed out, banish the thought. Ha, if you know me at all you, I'm like a picture of the cat which has just received an electric shock. Hair standing up with my eyes popping out, back arched. Get the pretty scary picture. The problem is I often don't think I'm stressed. Until my faithful flesh woman rears her ugly persona. If you've never met her, be very thankful. She's
my evil twin.
When stressed I seem to be the last to really notice, that is until I open my mouth inserting my size 7 shoe into it. I so lovingly call it ( fillet of sole). Get it shoe sole!! Sorry my sense of humor sometimes is a little off center. But it helps to have a sense of humor when stressed to the limit. But why do I continually let this happen, is the question you're asking! Haven't got a clue? Well I do. There is this thing called pride. God's been trying to teach me to let him have complete control. CONTROL yes it's a hard word, and even harder to relinquish it to someone else. After all who knows me better than me? My worst enemy is myself at times, or should I say at least 75% of the time.
In Bible study we're learning to not self talk. Me myself and I have had many meaningful , sometimes degrading talks. How can I do this? I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Where is my mind, is there nowhere to go? Great news I'm learning that in any and all situations God is waiting for me to invite Him to lead me. So there is always someplace to go, I just have to be willing to be lead instead of doing it my way.
One of these days I might just surprise myself. By getting it down to a science but for now I'll continue to learn. At a snails pace. I'm a progress in work. And I do mean WORK!!! But I will never give up, Because of God's grace and mercy. I have a chance to be all I can be through Him who strengthens me.
Fear is a weakness that often plagues me. Out of nowhere it strikes. My fears are unfounded at times, a product of an overactive imagination. Taking what someone says wrong, how they look at me, or what they don't say. Then the mind goes into overdrive. Okay what was that look for? Do I have food in my teeth? I know some of my questions aren't the most profound but? Do I really appear as stupid as I sound?I hope I'm not hate only one who has a frantic mind, that tries to second guess everything. I know I'm unique, I just don't want to be strange. All I want to be is normal. Okay what is the definition of normal? I saw a movie once that talked about a brain with a sign below it that said (abby-normal). I totally know what they are talking about. If my life is normal please someone give me abnormal I need a break.
No seriously I have so many wonderful people in my life who are always willing to gently nudge me, guide me along the narrow path. Giving me scriptural verses to help me. If I trust God my fears will be relieved.Trust is an issue with me. Trust wasn't a thing I had a-lot of growing up. Fears I knew all to well. a fear of being alone, of not saying the right words when I pray. That God will find the words silly. He never finds anything silly if I just talk to him like I'm talking to you. This mind has a hard time grasping this concept. With each passing day it becomes clearer.
The other morning I was unable to sleep. So I got up it was around 6:30 or little later. The sun was just starting to come over the horizon. It was so breathtaking. The clouds were arrayed in colors of purple, orange,red, with a hint of pink. Set against the skyline was the small cemetery down the street. Something stirred inside as stood on my front porch. There was no fear, panic or worry. Peace, quietness, awe, mostly wonder. If God could with just the touch of his hand or his words make this come to past. Then why do you have doubts, fears, worries. Can I God not take care of all these. Breathe freshness into you like the breeze you feel upon your face. Have I not lead you to where you are now? There is no fear if you come to me and ask me to help. JUST ASK! Wow a feather could have knocked me over. How many of my friends have been telling me this? I've asked and asked for God's help, but took it upon myself to finish his work. Now is the time for me to wait upon God and wait, listen. He will help if I give him time.

How Can It Be!!!

How Can It be that at times I'm so happy with everything in my life than all of a sudden. POW there is so much that has gone wrong. Just when I think I have my friendships back on track with one of my friends. It's two steps backwards, and walking on eggshells. I never know what kind of mood she'll be in from one moment to the next. It must be something that I'm failing to do as a friend! She knows that I'd do anything for her.
When I ask her to do something with me, she always say's she's so busy. Or if I ask to talk to her she'll say, Don't have time. I have ten thousand things I have to get done today. As I walk out of her office someone comes in and she'll sit and talk to them smiling. I know I'm allowing this hurt to creep in. And she probably doesn't knowing she's doing it. She'll call when she needs something, other than that I never hear from her. But I left myself wide open for that when I said I'll always be there for you, just call. Pretty stupid HUH!
My dad always said to be the kind of friend that you would like to have. Well I would like someone to be there for me who was caring. Who I could rely upon, and talk to . And that I should treat them the way , I would want to be treated. But he didn't say anything about being a doormat.
Why is it that I feel so small when she talks to me? Why do I allow her to take away my joy? Am I afraid I'll lose her friendship? Is this really a friendship, or just convienence for her? There is anger in my heart, at me for allowing her to get to me. And because I keep letting her continue to hurt me. This now becomes my problem to deal with.
As a christian there is a part of me that wants to be there for her. To comfort her, to be there to support her. She is going through some difficult times. Who Am I to judge what she's done. Which is what I've done lately. God loved me through all the terrible things in my life. And believe me there has been plenty. Some I hope no-one but God ever knows. At times the jealousy monster gets me. When I see her spending times with others, after she tells me she is so busy. I just like to spend some time with her cause I enjoy her company. Now that I put it in print it sounds like I'm being a big baby. Shouldn't expect to be treated with respect and kindness. WOW what a pity party. I've allowed her to consume every ounce of my energy. And all my thoughts trying to figure out what I've done to hurt her. Kinda stupid huh.
Well needless to say I still don't know how to act in this friendship. But I pray daily that Jesus will help me to love her with his love. To see her through his eyes and to love her as he loves her, and to forgive her, as he has forgiven me on so many occassions. After all if you haven't walked a mile in the other persons shoes who are you to say if you would do it any differently. All to many times I let my feelings guide what my heart feels and my mind thinks. When I should go to Jesus and ask him to help me feel what he wants me to feel. And what it is that he is trying to teach me through this relationship. And how I should react, and in his timing he'll heal this relationship, or he'll heal me and help me to move past this particular point in time. Either way it won't be easy cause sometimes I can be so impatient. Imagine that!!!! Well it's time to let it go. So just whenever you think of it offer up a prayer for me, and on my behalf that I'll listen to what Jesus has to say. And obey it even if I don't want to. Praise God that he loves me through my stupidity. Or should I say in spite of it. Amen!!!!!!

I've Got the Blues

It's been one of those weeks when I just feel like crying for no reason. Can't quite put my finger on the point of my dispair. I do the usual things, talk to myself. You know, what's wrong with you? Everything is going well. You have wonderful friends. God has provided for you always. So whats up with ya? Get over yourself already. Why the pity party. No more poor me. But still the tears flow down without stopping. Oh I put on a brave front in front of others, saying everything is fine. Cause I really don't know the source of my emotional turmoil. Must be good ole hormones. For lack of any other excuse.
I can't sleep so I sit at the computer and read my devotionals. Or read from the Bible. Sometimes the book Sue gave me. Streams in the Desert, it's really an awesome book. There have been many sleepless nights. Okay God what is it that needs my attention, or what have I missed, who did I hurt? Stillness is all around me. Where do I go from here? There is something that isn't quite right within me. The search is an endless one at this time. My wheels are spinning faster and faster, but not going anywhere,but deeper. I know God will rescue me in his time. Maybe my tearducts just need cleaning out? Or my eyes are to dry. I got it , my allergies are out of whack!
Depression is not from God so why do I have this terrible feeling all the time? Hope ya all realize I'm still talking to myself, trying to relieve some of my anxiety. This is a release for me. Not a complaint session. I'm hoping this will help shine a light on the problem. Which is me, not my relationship with God , he's been there and always will be. He weeps with me and feels my pain. I feel his presence every second of every day. I'd of never made it this far without his strength.
Mainly I just needed someone to talk to. And I know Tami you're the only one who reads this. And you're good about lifting others up. And I just needed you to snap me out of my slump. Cause I value your friendship and advice. You're the most honest person I know and love as a friend.
Now I'm done feeling sorry for my self . I'll buck up now like one of your clan. I'm strong through Jesus who strenghtens me. And he'll show me the way.

Serving Others

I was reading my daily devotional from Purpose Driven Life, and it was about serving others. Which has been in my thoughts and heavily on my mind lately. I lack the true ability at times to fulfill what I thought was my purpose as a friend. To serve others, and sorely lacked at the task of truly serving the Godly way. So this devotional helped me to put things into perspective.
So here goes. See if any of this makes sense! It said the power of God enables your service(Eph. 3:20) tells us that God's "mighty power at work within us...is able to accomplish infinitly more than we would ever dare to ask or hope." Don't ever allow your vision of what is possible in serving others to be limited by what you see as your own strength and resourses. Wow I've been doing that this whole the time. Not allowing God to take the lead.
Another thing is to serve not be served. Sometimed I just want to be served, after all I deserve this right? Wrong how dare I think I deserve this, when I haven't earned this honor. God served everyone no one ever served him. The writing said Serve, not served (Mark 10:45) Jesus came as a servant (Phil.2:5-7) telling his disciples "I Am among you as one who serves." (Luke 22:27) Take a look at three or four of your closet relationships and ask "How can I serve this person?" Than list specific ways you can serve them as Christ would. Man what a challenge! Am I up to this task and which four friends do I choose? Right about now my first instinct is to hide my head in the sand and not come up for along time. Will I measure up to the task at hand? It's pretty bad when you talk to yourself. Self needs to step up to the plate , take the challenge.
The mind of Christ guides your service Mari. In (Phil.4:8) Paul gives us a grid to filter out anything that is not consistent with the mind of Christ. If an image is not true, honorable, right, pure,lovely or of good report, if a thought is not excellent and praiseworthy, it is to be filtered out by the mind of Christ. So as not to find a landing place in us.
Now that I have a guideline this should be easy! So why is it a struggle day after day? Daily there is a short falling on my part. Continually the struggle is there to get it right. My service lacks at times.So daily in my prayers I lift my short comings to the Lord. Literally laying them at his feet. With each passing day it's becoming easier to accomplish. One baby step at a time is slow, but better than no step at all. Continually the Savior lifts up this humble heart, reassures me. He carries me through strenghting me, helping me to endure, to win the hard fought battle of serving with the right motives. This grateful servant clings to his promises daily. Knowing that through it all I'll be guided by the true servant of all.

Faith Is Truly A Leap

I find this to be true every minute of each day. Don't you? I awake in the morning walk into the bathroom to wash my face, turn on the faucet, water comes out. I know no big deal but we have faith it will be there. Such a small thing for God. We seldom think about it until the water doesn't work. Boy what a bummer. We flip a switch and the light appears. We go to our cars but the key in the ignition, and the engine starts. We get quite upset when it doesn't. But all these little things are small leaps of faith that we never think about. We just take for granted that it will be here when needed.
Then why is it so hard to take a small leap of faith to pray for things we know may not come true? Or to pray for our own small personal needs? Is our God so big that he won't hear us ? Or are we ashamed to ask, or in my case ,I'm sure I don't deserve what God can give me, or afraid he won't give me what I ask. Do I know what God is thinking. Of course not . But fear often guides the way I ask or lack of asking for what God can or won't do for me. I guess I don't want to know what his will is for me. But than again I really do. So you ask why not take a true leap of faith. I've been asking myself the same question lately.
I'm taking one step at a time I'm learning to pray the way Jesus did. To ask even though I know the answer is no. And thanking him for that answer. If I can't be thankful for a no. Will I be thankful and happy with a yes? My heart and mind have to in the right place, with God in accordance with his word. So my motives have to be right. At times my m otives are purely selfish. Not at all what Jesus was like when he prayed for the cup to be passed. But if not the fathers will be done. That's tne truest leap of faith for the purest reason that we'll ever see. So you see for me Faith without knowing where I'll go or end up on the journey God has planned for me is truly a leap of Faith.