How Can It Be!!!

How Can It be that at times I'm so happy with everything in my life than all of a sudden. POW there is so much that has gone wrong. Just when I think I have my friendships back on track with one of my friends. It's two steps backwards, and walking on eggshells. I never know what kind of mood she'll be in from one moment to the next. It must be something that I'm failing to do as a friend! She knows that I'd do anything for her.
When I ask her to do something with me, she always say's she's so busy. Or if I ask to talk to her she'll say, Don't have time. I have ten thousand things I have to get done today. As I walk out of her office someone comes in and she'll sit and talk to them smiling. I know I'm allowing this hurt to creep in. And she probably doesn't knowing she's doing it. She'll call when she needs something, other than that I never hear from her. But I left myself wide open for that when I said I'll always be there for you, just call. Pretty stupid HUH!
My dad always said to be the kind of friend that you would like to have. Well I would like someone to be there for me who was caring. Who I could rely upon, and talk to . And that I should treat them the way , I would want to be treated. But he didn't say anything about being a doormat.
Why is it that I feel so small when she talks to me? Why do I allow her to take away my joy? Am I afraid I'll lose her friendship? Is this really a friendship, or just convienence for her? There is anger in my heart, at me for allowing her to get to me. And because I keep letting her continue to hurt me. This now becomes my problem to deal with.
As a christian there is a part of me that wants to be there for her. To comfort her, to be there to support her. She is going through some difficult times. Who Am I to judge what she's done. Which is what I've done lately. God loved me through all the terrible things in my life. And believe me there has been plenty. Some I hope no-one but God ever knows. At times the jealousy monster gets me. When I see her spending times with others, after she tells me she is so busy. I just like to spend some time with her cause I enjoy her company. Now that I put it in print it sounds like I'm being a big baby. Shouldn't expect to be treated with respect and kindness. WOW what a pity party. I've allowed her to consume every ounce of my energy. And all my thoughts trying to figure out what I've done to hurt her. Kinda stupid huh.
Well needless to say I still don't know how to act in this friendship. But I pray daily that Jesus will help me to love her with his love. To see her through his eyes and to love her as he loves her, and to forgive her, as he has forgiven me on so many occassions. After all if you haven't walked a mile in the other persons shoes who are you to say if you would do it any differently. All to many times I let my feelings guide what my heart feels and my mind thinks. When I should go to Jesus and ask him to help me feel what he wants me to feel. And what it is that he is trying to teach me through this relationship. And how I should react, and in his timing he'll heal this relationship, or he'll heal me and help me to move past this particular point in time. Either way it won't be easy cause sometimes I can be so impatient. Imagine that!!!! Well it's time to let it go. So just whenever you think of it offer up a prayer for me, and on my behalf that I'll listen to what Jesus has to say. And obey it even if I don't want to. Praise God that he loves me through my stupidity. Or should I say in spite of it. Amen!!!!!!